Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Mothering in the Soul

Mothering, what a topic. Where and how do I start? Hmm, it's a loaded question, and for that matter a loaded topic. Well, for me it is anyhow, and if you are a woman like me that has been struggling to have a baby, you are in the right place.

I can tell you what it feels like to have a miscarriage, and more than one for that matter. I can also tell you that people say stupid things, and they really don't mean to. I can tell you that the more losses you experience the harder it gets, but having said that, you learn a lot.

Mother's Day has come and gone, and I finally got to the point I felt I could write this. As hard as it is, I know that I am NOT the only woman out there that desperately wants a baby. Empty arms, loneliness, call it what you will, it's all the same to me. Really, it is.

Mothering, is something close to my heart, and above all, you should know that you are already there. You are a mother without a baby...just like me.

Longing for Mothering

It has been said that the longings of the heart can drive us into our greatness. I know otherwise. I know this from the side of life when you long for something so much it breaks your heart. My heart has been broken for nearly 4 years now, as my husband and I have tried to create life.

Ah, but we technically do not create life, God is the life giver. We are raised up to believe that we can do, have, or be anything we want. Somewhere along the way, when things don't work out, we discover that isn't the case. It has happened to you, to me, your siblings, you parents, but remember, they just wanted you to know that you could do more than they ever did because they believe in you so much.

This is a bit different, because it's that heart longing, that longing that comes from the soul. It's a natural thing for a woman to long to be a mother, it's who we are! Some women choose not to be mothers, and that is okay too. For those of you that long for this, you just need to know that you are NOT alone.

Even on a day when your friends are celebrating with their children, they hold their babies, they can kiss their cheek, and they can have their newborn's tiny finger wrapped around their finger, they don't understand what it feels like to be on the outside looking in. Even if they have had a miscarriage in the past, they know how you feel, but in this moment, they are relishing in the joy they now have a new life they can hold and love.

So, where do we stand? With this longing that claws at your heart and leaves a big gaping hole, what do you do with it? How do you survive this emptiness you feel inside? It won't go away, but here is something you can do.

Mothering the Best Way You Can Until That Day Comes 

As hard as it is, and believe me when I say it's hard. I know, because I've done it already, but.....what you learn about mothering, and solidifying that desire in your heart so that you know that you know that you know, is this:

  1. Love the children of your friends and play with them until then 
  2. Volunteer at Children's Hospital and offer the love you have to the children that were left behind by their parents. They need you. 
  3. Volunteer to rock babies if you can 

You may not be immediately ready for any of this, but I can assure you that everything you learn will make you not only a better person, but it will teach you that yes, you are more than ready to be a mother.  So, what else do you until you are able to do these things? 

Mothering is On the Way 

While your time for mothering is on the way, remember, you are so much more already. You are a woman that is valuable, that makes a contribution to societ, in the workplace, and beyond. You MATTER, you really do. 

I can assure you that as women, we often feel that the only contribution we have is to clean a house, work our jobs, then work more when we get home. I find that many of the women I've met just like me, that long to have a baby often hold onto it because they believe so hard that is all they were meant to do after 4 or 5 years of marriage. 

Ladies, rest easy. Your time is coming! Yours is coming, mine is coming, and when that day comes, you will have a peace that passes all understanding, and a love that you never thought possible. The other side of this that is emotional...let it happen. It's okay to cry, it's okay to hurt, but you are not alone, nor are you required to go through it alone. 

Friends may not understand, family may not understand, but mothering is a big part of who you are. If you had a loss, and you still look at your ultrasound photo like I did, and you still lay awake at night longing for the day, and no one else said it to you before, "Happy Mother's Day". It's coming.

You may have the crib, the blankets, the teddy bear, but all you are missing is the baby. Much love. 

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