Monday, January 21, 2013

I Cannot See....

What if I told you that I have had the experience of being in a dark place without light to find my way? What if I told you that I finally found out what it was like to be stuck in a place with no way to see, and yet I had my sight?

Is this what it's really like to be blind? If so, I don't want to be blind-EVER. I can't imagine, my eyesight not coming back to me after having been in a dark place, and I never knew it was like until that dreadful day. I was in total darkness, and no one knew where I was.

If I Just Had a Candle 

I can recall that day, feeling like a child when I was really an adult, at the age of 27. I had no idea where I was. I knew where I had driven, but there were some things that happened in between the time I left and the time I arrived in a field, helpless in the dark.

I was driving to Louisville, Kentucky to meet someone that had invited me to spend the weekend with him. I knew two things were true. 1) I was trusting something that I still was very unsure of after having been through a divorce, and 2) I was almost there when his wife called my cell phone. 

I had no clue he was married, and now I was even more destroyed than I was even when I just felt as though I was being used. I had just gotten over a broken marriage in which I felt used, so here we go again. I guess this is my lot in life. Right? 

Do I turn around, or do I just question him face to face. Yes, face to face is what I like, because I want to see his reaction. For women, it's all about burning him once you know he has burnt you. At least, I was so angry that is how I felt. 

I drove the remaining 30 minutes, and I was fueled by fire that was so hot I thought my brain was on fire. I parked the car and got out, and walked into the cabin, finding him sitting there with two glasses of wine and a smirk on his face. 

Yep, this is the mark of a human being filled with deceit and lies. Go figure, he was an attorney. 

I Just Have One Question.....

Why? It wasn't until the next day when I awakened flat on my back in a field behind this cabin that I was asking an even bigger why. 

I was in pain, and I could hardly move. My arms were tied to a fence and I was left with very little clothing  on. Why? I just had it in my mind that I was going to ask one question, because I was so angry. I just wanted to confront him. 

Now, I had been beaten so badly I could only tell if the sun had risen or set, and I had been violated and left for dead. I guess we as humans make up our minds, and that's all it takes. Then, we just have this course that we plan, and we are only focused on what we think should happen, what we should say, and what we think we deserve. 

Note to self. Stating that I deserve to be loved and parading myself around wasn't in God's plan. If only I had waited, I would have found something richer, deeper, and more meaningful. I just "had to find out", "see for myself". 

Why do we do this stuff? Why do we get let down by human beings only to put ourselves in that position again? It's so non-sensical, and I can assure you that it NEVER ends well. 

So, if you are afraid of being alone, don't be. You are truly NEVER alone. God is there all the time. Despite the pain of that situation, HE was right there with me. God's love is crazy awesome love, and we should know that human fulfillment of any kind is only temporary. 

Despite what you think of the story, it's really just a story. Nothing more. God's plan is always better, and we need to hold to that and stop trying to do it all on our own. It never ends well. EVER. 

So, hold out for God's best, otherwise you will always be in the dark, alone, in a place you never would have been if you had trusted HIM first. Just ask me, what it's like to feel alone and in the dark. Live courageously ladies, and remember, when we get to heaven, the only thing you will hear God say is, "I just have one question." 

How will you respond? 

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